


An Unfortunate Coincidence

by VonPelt



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Banter, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Friendship, Humor, Magical Pregnancy, Not Epilogue Compliant, Past Hermione Granger/Harry Potter, Post-War, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-07 14:16:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20818655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VonPelt/pseuds/VonPelt
Summary: Hermione Granger is pregnant. Trouble is, she has not slept with a man during the past decade. Which is why the whole pregnancy business is rather unexpected, and the reason she sought out Harry and Ginny for advice. Postwar, EWE? Cracky.





	An Unfortunate Coincidence

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a Reddit prompt where Hermione isn't sure who, out of three suspects, is the father of her baby. The only clue is a protective house elf. Since I don't see Hermione having unprotected sex with three men within a few days, I decided to take the mickey out of the idea.

"What do you mean, you can't be pregnant?" Ginny wanted to know once their guest was seated and Harry came back with a pot of tea.

"Well, I just can't!"

"Hermione, you have been sleeping around for years. This was bound to happen eventually."

"I have been sleeping with witches Harry. Witches!" she repeated for emphasis. "Not wizards. They are lacking the bits which can get me pregnant."

"You - but I thought that you played for both teams."

"But - I - That's what I told you in 98 to ease the shock - "

"But during the hunt - "

"That was our desperation to feel anything despite the Horcrux, not me finding your scrawny body irresistible. I could hardly leave you and try to pick up someone in a Camden bar - "

"And Ron?"

"Why do you think we didn't work out?"

"My mother being herself? It took us all some time to get over Fred, and she did not cope well. Why do you think I ran off to Grimmauld as soon as I turned 17?" Ginny shot back with a grimace at the memory.

"During that Christmas, when it was just us two and it didn't look like we were going to make it, Harry was basically the last human on earth. Even then, and despite his best efforts, men weren't really doing it for me. Physically yes," Hermione quickly added when she saw the confusion on her friend's face. "But there's more to a relationship than an orgasm. There was no spark, no emotional fulfilment - I mean, for the past decade you never noticed that I only introduced you to girlfriends but not a single boyfriend?"

"Well, if you put it this way it sounds a tad suspicious - "

"Please tell me that you aren't as oblivious as your husband."

"Sorry Hermione, but given your history with Harry and my brother, I simply thought that you simply didn't find any bloke who caught your fancy, but were still open to the idea."

"Great. Now that we have sorted out that I am, in fact, a lesbian, can we please go back to my apparent miraculous conception?"

"Well, I don't know how I am supposed to help you there."

"Me neither," Ginny quipped. "If I get pregnant, I know whom to blame when I puke my guts out each morning."

"You are the only person I know who has experiences with House Elf stalkers."

"Dobby, bless his soul, was trying to protect me by almost killing me. Not trying to protect an unborn child which shouldn't exist. That's not the same," Harry pointed out while still trying to wrap his head around the whole situation.

"And I nearly choked on my red wine when that elf suddenly popped in to vanish the glass. How is that supposed to protect anyone if I'm dead?"

"So you took the word of a mad House Elf - "

"I did the tests, both magical and from Sainsbury. I tried on three different days, apparated across the Isles to ensure no hijinks with ley lines and accounted for moonlight and the position of Venus, Uranus and Mars, but no matter what I do, they all show positive."

"Wow, talk about denial," Ginny stage-whispered and ignored the death glare sent her way. Which was why her husband tried to defuse the situation.

"Do you have no idea who the _father _could be?"

"Unless it was divine intervention or the Force and my child will become the next Jesus or become the Chosen One, no."

"Well, it's about time that someone else gets the title. I'm bloody tired of it by now," Harry quipped and in turn, received another death glare.

"That's not funny! I had three partners in recent times, and none of them had the necessary plumbing to knock me up. Believe me, I checked. _Vigorously_."

"Anyone we know?"

"Well, there was Linda from the bakery across my flat in Hammersmith. She has no magic, but who knows if her great grandfather was a squib, so - "

"The one with the red strands and pouty lips?"

"I - Yes - But - How?"

"Harry usually picks up bread there on his way back. And their Polish pastries are to die for, especially their blueberry buns, so I come there at least once a week," Ginny explained with pink cheeks.

"Try three times."

"Two!"

"Can we please get back on track?" Hermione wanted to know. "There was Aveline - Fleur's cousin, I am not sure if you have met her last Christmas at Shell's Cottage, but we _stayed in touch._ Black hair, gorgeous brown eyes, half a head shorter than me."

"The one who made the punch?"

"No that was Ati - Athena."

"Cursed be her name. I don't remember much from boxing day thanks to that punch - "

"Worst headache of the millennium," Harry groaned at that memory. Truthfully, neither he nor Ginny had any clue what had happened that day. And how they ended up naked in some enchanted cave in the cliff face was just one of the many mysteries of that night.

"There was also Mel, although that was just two weeks ago," Hermione said before their conversation could, once more, go back to that infamous evening and its Byzantine decadence. "That wouldn't fit my cycle, but I also thought that you needed a man, so what do I know?"

"Maybe try asking the Elf next time he comes around," Ginny suggested.

"So I just wait, possibly for months, to find out who knocked me up?"

"Wait here, I have the perfect bait."

* * *

"You know I can't drink," Hermione pointed out as Harry returned with an old, slightly dusty bottle which looked like it belonged in a museum.

"Yes, but does the elf know that you won't?" Harry said, filled three glasses and passed them to his wife and his friend. "An 1893 Riesling from Lorraine, one of the newer additions to the Blacks' cellar."

"1893? You don't have to open a hundred-year-old bottle of wine just to catch an elf."

"Well, we two are not pregnant, so it won't go to waste. To the mystery father," Ginny toasted and they all drank. Well, Hermione tried, but before it could touch her lips, an elf popped in and vanished it before disappearing with a mumbled 'Bad Mistress!'.

"Well, that was useless," Hermione said suspiciously quickly but fooled no one.

"I think we all know who got you pregnant," the redhead chuckled, not at all sorry. "His robes had the same embroidery as Fleur's towels."

"Bugger! But how?"

"Magic?"

"You think that magic sensed an imbalance between the light and dark sides and decided that I of all people would be the one who has got to carry the child which will restore its balance?" Hermione scoffed at Ginny's suggestion.

"I think what she meant is that most of Fleur's relatives are Veela, who aren't exactly human. And a magical species consisting solely of witches has to procreate somehow - "

"Bugger me!"

"Thanks for the offer, but we will leave that to Aveline."

"Harry!"

"What? I think you just realised how you were knocked up. You certainly look like someone has murdered Crookshanks."

"Well, it was different - You know how the allure is a magical effect which, depending on the mental strength of the recipient, influences you subtly or even makes you want to jump down a hundred-yard abyss?"

"Yes?"

"Their abilities go way beyond that and the fireballs. Well, Aveline warned me that she wasn't particularly experienced with that - "

"Maybe that left a little something behind," Ginny said dryly.

"Apparently."

"When you say different - "

"It's hard to explain. Imagine the feeling of being spooned, but in your head. We couldn't talk, but still convey thoughts and feelings. It was warm, felt safe," Hermione described but had her typical expression for when she couldn't find the right words. Something Harry hadn't seen on her face since the days when they were writing essays back in the Gryffindor Common Room.

"How do you feel about the _father_?"

"Ly is fun to be around, but we were never serious. Neither of us was interested in something long-term, but now - Merlin, that's not a conversation I am looking forward to."

"Better you than me. Just one last question. When you said that Aveline was inexperienced, just how old is she?" Harry wanted to know.

"Twenty three. Oh god, I got knocked up by a girl almost six years younger than me. What will my parents say?"

"I don't think the age is the important part in that sentence," Ginny cackled and ducked as Hermione threw a pillow into her direction.

* * *

Later that night, once Hermione had left to do some research and track down the apparent _father_ of her child, Ginny slipped into their bed next to Harry. She voiced a thought which had been in her mind for the entire evening. "You know, we said that we'd wait with kids until Teddy is at Hogwarts - "

"Yes?"

"What if we started a year earlier?"

There was a long silence before Harry managed to formulate a few words. "You mean, now?"

"We have a house, our shop is doing well, and with Hermione pregnant, our child would have someone the same age to play with. At twenty-seven, the prospect of becoming a mother does not seem nearly as frightening as at seventeen. We even got to practice parenthood beforehand."

"Yeah, I almost freaked out when your mother asked about babies the first time. But after ten years with Teddy, I feel - well - ready. We managed, even during the two weeks when Andi needed a break and decided to become the first witch who made a _transpolar broom flight_."

"Don't say it like this. You gave her the idea."

"I didn't know that she would actually do it. Who in their right mind decides that flying over the North Pole to Alaska makes for a good - But that's not the point. You really want kids, now?"

"Well, we always anticipated starting next year. What're a few months compared to the eleven years we scheduled? So let's start with one and see how that goes."

Harry gazed deep into Ginny's eyes as he brushed a strand of her hair from her brow and tucked it behind her ear. They stayed like that for a long time, hugging and their faces inches from each others'. After ten years they had gotten to the stage where they could communicate without words. Which was why he didn't reply with verbally but made his approval known through actions. Actions which led to Ginny pinning him down as they put a decade of practice to good use.


End file.
